dear today: Life with a narcissist

I once heard that we put 90% of ourselves into our most difficult, toxic relationships and 10% into our most loving, giving relationships that run easily.

Dear today,

I met a boy. He’s exciting, unpredictable, charming, misunderstood, tender, complex. He is so many things in one.

I feel alive when I’m with him. And when I’m without him, I think about wanting to be with him.

I’m surprised that he even likes me. Who am I really? I feel like a nobody. He has so many people in his orbit, but he chooses me. He feels too important for someone like me.

He’s rough around the edges. He’s messy. He’s vulgar, at times. He drinks a lot. And smokes. No hard drugs, though.

He’s mostly sarcastic and passive aggressive when he talks to me. Like he’s playing hard to get.

But, he shows me glimpses of his softness. I see the way he looks at himself. He doesn’t like what he sees deep inside. So he mostly masks it with all of these coping mechanisms.

From time to time, he’ll admit naked truths. That he’s been really hurt before. That his sibling was the golden child. That he knows he’s hard to love.

He invites me to hang out with his family. To meet his friends. To go to his work events. He shows me he cares.

He takes me to fancy restaurants. He buys me expensive birthday presents. He cooks me dinner. He invites me over to do nothing at all.

We have these moments of intense connection. I’ve never felt them before. I feel so seen and desired.

But then he doesn’t text me back. He makes promises he doesn’t keep. He’s short and aggressive. He tells me I’m needy. He accuses me of talking to other people. He uninvites me to things. He ignores me. He curses at me. He gets drunk and throws things. He pounds on my door until I answer. He grabs me too tightly and holds me back while he searches through my phone. He tells me I’m damaged goods.

I begin to forget what the good moments feel like. I crave them.

And then…

He’s soft. He apologizes. He begs me to reach deep down into my heart and forgive him. He says he’s never loved someone so much and that it makes him act crazy. He validates our connection and how he’s never shared that with anyone else either. He tells me I’m everything he wants. He says he wants to marry me and have a family. He says I’d be an amazing mother. When I ask him why he called me names and said the things he said, he asks how I could think he was serious.

He plays his guitar and sings to me. He binge watches Netflix with me. We have cozy nights in. We have fun nights out.

Then it happens again. He ignores me. He goes out with his friends and I don’t hear from him. He gets drunk and calls me 50 times and says if I don’t pick up, he’s coming over. He comes over and bangs on my door so all of my neighbors can hear. I reluctantly let him in. I act calm so he stays calm. He raids my fridge, plays with my dog, then gets in my bed and passes out.

Today, I feel scared.

I don’t know how to get out of this cycle.

He is the most complex man I’ve ever loved.

I feel so close and connected to him some days. Other days, I’m genuinely afraid of him.

I know he lies to me. I know he talks to other girls. I know he mistreats me.

But, we’re not technically in a relationship. So what are the rules here?

When he’s soft with me, I feel like he truly sees me.

No one sees me.

I’ve only felt that one time and it ended pretty terribly.

He begs me not to give up on him.

I don’t want to.

But, do I have to?

Please don’t judge me for accepting this kind of treatment.

He really is good at his core. He just tries to cover up his hurt. And it makes him do stupid things.

Anytime I tell him I want a serious relationship or nothing at all, he tells me I’m not ready. And that once I prove that he can trust me, then he’ll be all in. And that he can love me harder than anyone’s ever loved me. And that it will be amazing.

I want something amazing.

Any advice would help.

Dear life with a narcissist,

When I was young, I loved watching movies and reading books about the “bad boy” falling in love with the shy, quiet girl who suddenly got ultra attractive because he liked her. There was a unanimous statement that the boy would utter that always deeply resonated with me — “please don’t give up on me. everyone gives up on me.” My heart would sink. There was something about these love stories that got our attention as young women. Could it be that we desperately wanted to feel needed? Could it be that we’ve watched our mothers take care of our fathers? Could it be that we don’t want to see people hurt? Could it be that we think we’re the antecdote?

I suppose it could be all of these things. But what matters is why we repeat the cycle. My guess is that this isn’t the first relationship like this that you’ve found yourself in. Maybe the others weren’t with charming boys like this one. Maybe it was with your mother. Or father. Or brother. Or teacher. Or friend. Maybe you saw pain in one way or another and wanted to fix it. To heal it.

That is a beautiful tribute. But, it will absolutely take you out.

It will take you away from your peace, from your spirit, from your calling, and from your core. It will simply take you. You will not be the same.

This man will take you, break you, spit you out, rinse and repeat.

Not because he doesn’t love you. Not because you’re not special. Not because you’re not worth it. But simply because you let him.

Many of us grew up in environments where there were too many chances given with little to no boundaries in between.

We would pride ourselves on never giving up on people. Everyone deserved second chances. Everyone deserved grace and redemption.

We watched people stay together at all costs and we’d praise them for weathering the hard times.

It sounds like this man makes you feel special because you don’t know what special feels like.

Fancy dinners, guitar playing, and insecurity dumps don’t make him complex. They make him calculated.

Maybe he is drowning in his own confusion and pain. Maybe he doesn’t mean what he says. Maybe he regrets throwing things and grabbing you and disrespecting the absolute hell out of you.

Maybe he wishes he could love you better.

In the meantime, you are training your mind to find exit ramps from his narcissism, betrayal, and mistreatment to survive.

You are conditioning yourself to be loved with abuse.

And your body will remember this.

I’m sure there are things you’re not telling me. Maybe you don’t want to write them. Maybe they would make you feel worse about staying.

You know what they are.

Write them down.

Say them out loud.

Put them on your mirror.

They are not secrets that you’re keeping for him. They are your reality.

You have gotten stuck in the cycle of being someone’s rescuer. This does not make you a hero. This does not make you worthy. This does not make you more attractive like in the movies.

It simply makes you stupid.

He doesn’t need you. He doesn’t need forgiveness. He doesn’t need someone to never give up on him. He’s got to find that grit in himself and in his own life otherwise he will depend on you for everything. The more you allow him to lean on you to get it, the more he’ll leech onto everything that made you you and suck it directly from your spirit.

And for what?

I promise you, the sex isn’t worth it. The fancy nights out aren’t worth it. And the rare moments of false connection aren’t worth it.

You’ll find someone who doesn’t give you bruises, raid your house, disrespect your privacy, and break down your confidence.

Maybe not tomorrow. But you will.

The more you allow him to blame you for his actions, the more you’ll lose yourself.

And trust me, it will be the fight of your life to find yourself again.

I know you want something amazing. You do have something amazing. You.

He’s offering you a false choice.

Narcissists like to create beautiful imagery of something only they can provide for you.

They tell us that without them, our lives will be worse. We won’t be as happy, as satisfied, as rich, or as safe. We will be miserable. And no one else can give us what they can.

As long as you believe this story he’s sold to you, you will remain in conflict with yourself and maybe even the other people in your life who see this for what it is.

You will live in a constant state of limbo. Because no level of commitment from him will be the commitment you seek. No amount of connection will feel like enough.

Simply because neither of you have any fidelity to yourselves. You are searching for that fix in each other.

You want to know the one thing I had to hear to get out of an abusive relationship? He told me I was an embarrassment. To him, to my own family, to the world.

It was the one thing that he said that I believed.

I was embarrassed.

But I would never be embarrassed with him ever again.

I would never pass on this treatment to my kids.

I wanted them to see a woman who stood next to their father because she wanted to.

Not because she had to.

Life with a narcissist, you don’t have to leave him. But you will. Because you wouldn’t have written this letter if you didn’t want to be told something you already know.

Be the anecdote for yourself. For your own soul. For your own future. It needs you more than this lousy, immature, little boy does.

I believe in you.

And I know you do too.

With love,

someday today